I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
