i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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