Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
