Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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