i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
