Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
