Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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