when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
