I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
