I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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