Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
