Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
