So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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