She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
