i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
