Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
