I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there's paper in my vomit.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Everything about him screamed your future.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
