He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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