hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
