I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
