I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Randomize
