and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
