I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
