Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maybe he injected his testicle?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
