I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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