i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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