i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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