i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
