Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize