I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
