you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
