Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
