So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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