my shit smells like andre
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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