So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
