lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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