everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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You have to summon your inner elephant
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME