dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
