He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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