life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
