remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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