Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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