Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
