The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize