haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie