life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
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So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger