I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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