My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
