I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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