i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
