My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
