even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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