Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
