i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
