Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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