Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
